my whole world crashed before me again, i got mad at one of the ya-ya's i yelled at her and of course...i got yelled at aswell....by my parents....

my mom thinks she understands me...she assumes i've got mental issues...no...she doesn't understand me...and i dont have mental issues...if i get mad...i get mad...i can supress the hatred for so long...i need to let it out...this thing with one of the ya-ya's has been bothering me for so long now...
i usually write what i feel when im mad or when im sad...this time, i didn't...you see...my mom doesn't know this...she doesn't know...what i do, what i write...she doesn't know me period...

i can't talk to her freely...i feel uneasy and uncomfortable, i grew up with her contradicting to my every opinion...i get scolded and lectured at...i get intimidated...it pulled me away from her a long time ago....

mom and dad leave us to work....it's admirable, i know it's hard for them to leave their kids go six thousand miles away and work for the sake of their future...
as the kids, we know why and there's nothing we can do to stop them...it's a necessity...plus i know im lucky...i live a great life...i have eveything i

What Ninja Class Are You?


Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

Anime-Kraze.org :: Version 3
ok i tested out another feature and...it looks like i'll be using more of the blog this feature on my google toolbar....
so here's one of my fave fansubs...anime-kraze...i've Dled a few of my early Chrno Crusade eps here and a bunch o' other stuff too...i gotta give props out to my buddy keitarou_the_immortal(his yahoo id) i met kei during my winmx days....he taught me so much torrent stuff...props man!...ok that's all for no...enjoy :)

shadows of heart overpower my soul,
standing over me, black as coal...
falling deeper my sorrow is filled,
living lies, my identity killed.

my world crumbles, i watch as it falls
never again shall i stand tall.
happiness is no longer an option for me,
my smiles have died, no laughter nor glee...

i wonder to myself, how come i am sad?
for me being gone,many are glad...
i feel i've wasted almost all my years...
i was happy and smiling and now im in tears.

one person can save me one person so pure,
she brightens me up...she may be my cure.
she made me smile again, her light i can feel...
for with her undying love, my sadness is sealed.

Standing still in time using this one moment to look at the past...one restless night gave enough time to ponder my thoughts...let out my sorrow...remember the joy and think about the sixteen years i've lived...

im a guy that has two worlds (as my 2nd grade teacher tells me) i have the philippines and the united states...i have family in both countries...i've gone to school here and there...and believe me...go school after school after school...it's tough...to lose friends...some might even be forever...
im not mad or anything...it's just that i want to share this...so my lifes pretty rough...my parents working there...knowing the "truth" about my dad, not seeing dad for at least half a year because he and mom work for our better future...
they say a good life has sacrifices...guess that was it...

me growing up...it's alright...i have friends i have family...i have support...

i pondered on the birthdays i've had...big deal i grow a year older...how can this year be different?...usually we have a party...i stopped that when i was 10...now it's either going out or family time...+ the usual blowout with friends...
how could this year be any different?...

i thought about my academics too...im pretty average...the kid that gets high marks...then loses interest...yeah...im kinda like most of you guys out there...

all the choices i've made...the good, the bad and the stupid ones...all the "what if's" "whys?" and "how comes" keep popping up...was eveything worth it?...those dumb times i've had with other people...where i humiliate myself...were those even necessary?...

as of now...this very moment...i feel sad...i dont have a reason to be it's weird...i was uber happy yesterday...and suddenly..boom...i started feeling blue...

it feels like something inside me is telling me that im this big burden...
im worthless to my parents...im a bad brother...im an outcast among my friends...im lazy...it's like every who gets near me...turns miserable...
the pain i feel in realizing this...unbearable...im heartbroken...and the sad part of it is...it true...i see proof...i know proof...

was i just an accident?...did my mom take pity on me when i was a baby?..is that why i am here?...
when was the last time i've made my parents proud of me?...long time...i've been scolded, humiliated and yelled at a million times more than being praised...

i feel so miserable..so dark...i want it to end...i have the power to end it...i can take my own life away at any time...it wouldn't harm anyone...everyone wins...i lose my pain...they lose me...
wishes like "i wish i was never born" often fill my thoughts...im not needed...im like this walking chunk of paper weight...i might add to more of this later...
i need to think more...

to start things off with this entry...probably you know how it feels to have deep feelings for someone right?the feeling of love, that warm fuzzy feeling you get when being with her, the moments you act stupid, simply because of the fact that you are uber happy at that moment.....simply wonderful isnt it? yeah...of course!

it's like every waking moment...you think about her...every second you are apart....you miss her...everyday you're together...you love her...^_^

it's like what this one movie said..."she's is my other half, together we're whole, so once you know how it feels to be whole you never want to go back to being a half" (well im not sure actually if that's the precise quote but heck i typed from my memory) i was like yeah she completes me...i've never been this happy in my life actually...
the fact that you know that there is this special someone that loves you, that cares for you, that misses you...gives you a reason to live...if possible live the rest of it with her....

it's not my type to make a mushy entry actually...well i did this just because the 28th is a very special day for me..:D

actually this is the first time i've actually "fallen"...it's like i feel different about her...this deep connection..unlike the others...it's irony/coincidence(im not sure because if i say it's destiny it's kinda corny) same star sign, same birth month, same interests, we're like identical inside but different on the outside...like my friend said that she is my female counterpart...and that time i was like "what!? who!?..nahh!"...pretty funny...and look where i am now....i love her! :D
i feel great and now im anout to wrap up this post...ok my final words...

tricia, i love you!!! and happy monthsary! :D

im thinking about changing my blog template...i dunno if i should proceed in making my own...or i'll just rip one out of blogskins

my candidiates in the skins i've seen so far are :
(click the linkis for previews)

kakashi 1
this is a simple hatake kakashi skin...green and has a big hatake kakashi pic with his visible sharingan..kinda cool

gundam seed
a great skin!! a kickass entrance and an animewebsite look....great pictures of the freedom gundam and has it's own avatars and stuff too...im not sure but i might use this is build my own customizations through the great layout...it's because i stink when it comes to layout >.<

sephiroth*
i've used this before and i might use it again....

squall - i need silence *
ok this is a little light for me but it's pretty cool...nice layout with the drop-downs and stuff...another candidate

*BROKEN LINKS (sorry for the inconvinience)

what are dreams? are dreams images that flash before our eyes when we sleep, memories
that play and reflect through our subconsciousness? dreaming is a state of imagining it also serves as a goal one we can accomplish in life....

dreams aren't childish well technically we dream almost every night...we dream of the future what we want...what we could wish for...yeah i dream all the time....
thinking about the past and looking forward to the future....dreaming of my memories and living up to my expectations in life.

you could be the kid who wants everything :"I want everything"
you could be the kid who wants to be somebody: "someday, the whole world will know my name"
you could be the kid who has something to prove: " i have something to prove"
you could be the kid who wants true love: " when will she come?", " when will he come?"
or
you could be like me: " i wanna see my name on the credits of some video game"

yeah i dream that...over and over..something i need to accomplish,something i need to prove something to fuel my faith, my self confidence, well that's my dream

nothing's childish...some of the greatest people who ever walked this earth...dreamt when they were just children...those dreams fueled their minds in helping them achieve whatever they accomplished... my friends dont forget...they went down in history as remarkable beings...

dreams are dreams...no defenite explanation but yeah....dreams are dreams

you can believe in fairy tales...heck nothing's wrong with that...dreaming that your genie will grant you your every wish...saving your damsel in distress...slaying your dragon...saving the world even.it wont exactly have all its "FANTASY" but in a modern sense it is possible...
nothing's ever childish about dreams, they are yours to create and yours to fullfill, no one and i say NO ONE has the right to take that away from you...

later!

My life is in all shades of Blue...

hehe ok...i tested out this "blog this" feature (located on the blogger toolbar) heeh and who better to test this out on than tricia!! :D hehe...i love this blog(and the person) hehe....it's all in blue.....bluish....bluey...(ok dont mind the terms) i know this gal like i know me....and all her posts are meaningful....all her rants are logical...and her template....simple yet advanced....look at all those scripts!! hehe kudos on the template and a-spec points with the posts....keep it up trish!!!

friends are friends...best buds, cliques...whatever you call your's...like i call mine alphabeto..friends are friends...and you cant change that

friends are great to have around...they make us who we are...they comfort us...we really enjoy being with them...everyone has friends...
everyday hanging out...doing happy-nonsense...doing useless fun stuff...hanging out at their houses everyday...every second...planning...playing...all those stuff you do with your friends...irreplaceable...seems like the bonding you guys have...unbreakable...right?..yup it is unbreakable....but it is WEAKENED...or something like that...

now this is where my entry really comes into perspective...

believe it or not i got the idea of writing this entry...when i watched the lion king 3...yeah...a great message of friendship...plus ironically...my friendster horoscope said something about this....

that fine line between romance and friendship

ok...back to the friendship thingy...your bond with your friends...as i said is unbreakable...friends are forever..dont forget that...although it is weakened...especially when your friend...starts having a relationship...a much deeper relationship with someone else...

im not saying that this is a bad thing...as a friend, you MUST be happy for him or her....but sooner or later...you'll realize...things arent what they used to be...
all the attention THAT was focused on YOU...is now focused on his or her special someone...and that's pretty devastating on your part...cuz you were happy and thought that nothing can go wrong, no one can get in the way...but...you were wrong someone DID get in the way...

i've felt it...and it kinda bothered me...but it got better through time...it's like this gap...for now he wants to spend time with her...and only her...and now i can only feel happy for them...

although now it's the other way around...i mean...now it seems that..i dont want to spend time with them...i want to spend time with her...and..only her... so a message for my boys...if any of you ever get to read this...you'll know how i felt before...and you MUST know how i feel now...

this gets better through time...i know...i've seen the final product...ok not exactly the final product but you get my point...


this is all i can write right now...i'll add stuff soon...

Unique, mystical, insightful and beautiful
You are a Snow sprite. Mysterious, and alluring you
naturally attract people to you, your like a
people magnet even though you most often wish
to be alone. Your love for cold climates and
snow has given you an insight into the beauty
few see. While most see bland white you see a
forest or blanket of sparkling white beauty. To
you life is something precious and you intend
to figure out its mysteries. You are very
mature and don't waste your intelligence on
childish games or people not worth your time
which can make you seem arrogant at times but
you are really just intent on saving your time
for better things. Your soul is very beautiful
if not a little shut up, you keep your emotions
hidden from everyone and therefore they don't
know what your capable of. You are a living
fantasy.


.::=What type of Mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

a time to think a time for me...yeah..right now im all alone...listenin to music...thinking about stuff...and the thing is it's my brother's bday...
summer's here, the unbearable heat, all the swimming plans everyone has...hangin out...everyday(everyday!? so why am i here!?).everyone's dream summer is...pure fun...no problems no school just fun

a summer entry....how interesting....

summer's what you want it to be....you can make it :

a.dull - stay home and rot

b.productive - take up summer courses to polish up on skillz *i did that (the very foundation of my skillz)*

c.outgoing - go everywhere but home

d.friendly - best way to do it....GO TO CAMP!

e.adventurous - go places...do stuff...exotic maybe

d.expensive - get out of the country....or buy a country...or just spend spend spend in the country

e.studious - two words : SUMMER SCHOOL

f.profitable - two words again: summer job

g.happy - spend it your own way without the other choices hehe or better yet mix em all up without letter "E"

yeah summer's a great season....well all the greatness it has is the simple fact of not having no school....but summer's not complete with the letters F-U-N...that's simply my way of putting it.although there is a down side to everything...even summer vacation!
i mean a being there is one thing but...knowing that youneed to be there...that's something else...summer'll lose mojo if you're somewhere you dont belong...my point is you don't go somewhere you dont like and stay there for a long period of time right?

in my case knowing where you belong is paramount...
like my parents wanted me to go to the US to work for obvious reasons...but i wanted to stay here....because i know i belong here why? cuz of my friends...what friends? MY FRIENDS hehe...so i did stay here.
the sense of being where you belong...knowing when to blend in helps you adapt but the feeling of you never needing to blend in...yeah...that's a Big thumbs up in life...it's like you can live practically anywhere but you only have one home...and that home is where you ultimately (yeah keep an eye out for the term)ultimately belong...as for the others....SHELTER is the proper term i believe...for short i know i belong here...not the US...

on the other hand, one friend's case is different...he lives south WAY south lyk it takes 3 hrs from our place to their place so he lives there...and belongs there too (duh! his family's there) but he comes back here...stays at our house...he did for almost a month he has two homes in my books...he's sorta ..well not sorta...he IS a brother to me...so...i guess you can have two homes too...he belongs there with his family...and has a spot here at our place....

now my other friend...whom is very dear to me....she (so it's obvious now hehe)almost had to go somewhere far far away(not exactly like star wars but you get my point) which isn't that big of a deal cuz it's SUMMER!! but the thing is...it wasn't her choice which is painful, her dad wanted it...and without letting her decide..isn't fair...lucky thing her mom backed her up and eventually convinced her dad not to make her go...she knew she didn't belong there and her summer was almost ruined cuz of that...and summer's supposed to be for us...kinda. take summer into ur own hands and have fun

as i said earlier...summer is what you make it to be...and the state of belongingness is a big big factor...so happy vacation...i guess...

dunno if im talking in riddles..or anything...it's just something i felt i had to write about....ok till next time

I took this elemental quiz....i actually likedit...it's kinda neat....so uhmm here i'll share it :D

Your element is Water: Understanding, intelligent,
quiet and calm. You know who you are and no one
can change that. Usually quiet but only because
your listening, don't let anyone think you
haven't got an opinion! Your not quiet because
your shy or sad, your usually quiet because
your thinking. Your answers are well planned
and helpful so people generally seek your
advice. Your the perfect balance between
solitary and outgoing. But sometimes you need a
little time to yourself to sort out your
emotions and figure things out. You understand
the phrase 'sticks and stone' and rarely let
things get to you, whats that important for you
to have to get so upset over? You know what you
want out of life but are simply taking your
time and enjoying things. To you your life is
fine as it is, you can always change things
later if your not happy.


.:-What is your true element?-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

Suikoden II's Riou...bearer of the bright shield rune...uhmmun that's all for now....im bored..

as darkness rises,my sadness reigns
my soul is haunted my anger gains
im so lost waiting for answers of life
ending one's sorrow, my blood on the knife

the fear of death's great,one which i overcome
i embrace my ending moments, and maybe missed by some
a sacrifice to sorrow, my life about to end
for god said not now, and a messenger he sends

it was you of all people, my darkness turns to day
my life now has a purpose,i have so much left to say
about my past and present,my future it can wait
you taught me how to love,you took away my hate

my shattered soul in shadows a light it now bares
completes my inner being, i feel your utmost care
my life i now value, for you are dear to me
i really really love you i wish that you can see

i'll never leave your side, i'll never leave you dear
keeping every promise, holding every tear
you're my source of living, you're my source of might
i whisper that i love you as i hold you close tonight...

everything in life has a different meaning, a different purpose, each individual endowed with his and her own destiny...chosen for the sole purpose of fullfilling that said destiny...

(i've been watching too much anime)

yeah...the cycle of life actually revolves around these principles (that's what i think)...there's a greater purpose for everything. who we meet, what we do and why we do it, what we like...all fragments of a much bigger plan...like turning down a huge offer..just to be happy. choosing your friends no matter what others think, loving someone even when your family disagrees...all a part of a bigger plan...the plan of life...

hmm...when you spill milk all over the table, that must have a meaning right?...(ooookaaay *sarcasm*)

think about it, why are we here?...why of all people we were made offsprings of our parents? why do we choose our friends? why of all people we were given this special someone to love? why? why? WHY!?

see, all our mistakes, all our achievements and all our goals fit into this puzzle we call life. we are who we are, we become who we become, our designs are laid out, we simply build them. like he was destined to become president, the other a doctor they had other plans for their life no one expected them to become who they are now but, we cannot stop our God given plan, no matter what happens...

everything and I MEAN EVERYTHING has a higher purpose... no matter how small. a small change in one's path may alter his or her destiny, like sharing a cookie with the wrong or right person may change one's life. joining a character portrayal contest, looking outside at the wrong moment, being online at 3am...

i know this totally contradicts with my past posts, as i said, we are who we choose to be...but everything changes, i change aswell. we dream our life and we build through that dream, our actions are always accounted for, everything sequenced. every move, every decision.

like hope for example, people at times suffer, they are miserable and unfortunate, HOPE, is a go signal to look at the brighter things in life and make a name for yourself, for with that HOPE an individual fuels one spirit, to carry out is purpose and follow his destined path...

I on the other hand have not yet found my so-called "plan"...although im living it right now, i've found that i have a great purpose for living, now it's my duty to live it to its fullest
-peace out

starting anew...
Posted by Hello

Graduation's coming in.....fast, all the pressure i get from exams, thesis and grades...may have lead me to my downfall, ...my heart is pounding fast...im thinking...is this really it!?

It's supposed to be a day of laughter and tears...my part, it's really only a day for tears and parting with people we either have known for our whole lives or...a simple 4 years in time...no matter how long we've known a person, saying goodbye...leaving a place in your heart, a place of memories a place for laughter and a place for tears...is the hardest thing in the world...

My story...i know i've met lots of people...miss lots of friends...been to different places and thinking that this is one of those times...like from my childhood...me starting over...a new world... well, back then i thought "heck i've felt it before...no biggie" but NO! it's more than that, the connection i've built among my fellow jamers, it's irreplaceable...the feeling of simply letting all that go away and...never to be repeated again...i can't imagine...
...I DONT WANT THIS TO END!!!!!!!!

leaving my alma matter...i'll leave...a peice of me...a peice of my heart and my soul...

no matter what happens to me, no matter where i go, whoever i become...im still a jamer...i'll always be the reian that grew up within the campus of SJA..for four years...that happy guy....always laughing and smiling...the gamer, the "techno-god".

the mixed emotions i feel in my last days...are a cluster of feelings...anger, sorrow, bliss...all compiled together in a ball...ready to hurl...im scared...of the outcome too...

im not ready...i know im not...im content...im happy...im in love and...i feel great....then...BOOM!!!...im out...starting all over...

i dont know if im too pessimistic.....maybe im too blue to think...it's just....parting is TOO soon....

Eventually...we all need to move on...eventually i'll get over this and stop living in the past...always think of the present and most of all the future...because the future is something we should always look forward to....

to all my friends..who get the chance to read this....thank you and...i'll never forget you guys...although grad is still a week away...it's better to do this now before i lose my chance....

i dont like goodbyes....goodbyes are...so painful and heartbreaking....so...for my parting words...instead of goodbye...it's better for me to say "see ya all later" ....later and see you all sometime soon....

long live SJA batch 04-05.....long live!!...

ok Intrams is a big deal...well our teams eliminated in basketball so...i didn't go to school today :
(i didn't see the point in going)

nah...our volleyball teams and basketball girls team can still make it...plus all the in-door games...but for me i took time off the Intramurals to contemplate...or chill before the whole frenziness of the 4th quarter starts...

i dunno if i should write my normal bullshit or go...umm...inspirational....otherwise i'll just write from experience...im kinda dissapointed...cause...my teamates didn't give me a chance in showing what i can do :...that's ok with me ...as long in that short period of play time i had fun ^_^

that's it for now...i got somewhere to go so...maybe i'll post more next time..

Intramurals 2005 is a BIG event...practically the biggest event of the year.....one week...pure competition, no holds barred...one section...united in victory and defeat...the very week where a section's oneness is tested...to the limit...

Intramurals is currently going on...1st day is done...me playing basketball...good but still needs of course practice...
practically lost all our games

my opinions and shit :
to tell ya the truth...that 3-4 mins of me playing...gave me a rush of adrenaline...the adrenaline of the crowd watching...my team spirit...pumping out...it was amazing! too bad...damn...they thought i wasn't of any help...:...i was giving my all...teammates...just couldn't appreciate it : (well some...im not saying all...ok more like 2-3 almost)

all in all...i was pushed ( i can't say to the limit cuz i didn't play long) but my morale booster (whoever or whatever u are) gave me this sense that i DO belong here and we are all aiming for the same thing...a small chance for victory...

the funny thing...me and my fellow...st.james basketball boys team...all know it is a longshot in getting the gold (St.Catherine practically has it in the bag) we even thought of having a slim shot for one win...but as one section...we didn't let that get in the way of fun...the feeling of playing alongside ur classmates...competing with schoolmates...and that unexplainable feeling...that my friends...is the spirit of intramurals....till next time!