Standing still in time using this one moment to look at the past...one restless night gave enough time to ponder my thoughts...let out my sorrow...remember the joy and think about the sixteen years i've lived...

im a guy that has two worlds (as my 2nd grade teacher tells me) i have the philippines and the united states...i have family in both countries...i've gone to school here and there...and believe me...go school after school after school...it's tough...to lose friends...some might even be forever...
im not mad or anything...it's just that i want to share this...so my lifes pretty rough...my parents working there...knowing the "truth" about my dad, not seeing dad for at least half a year because he and mom work for our better future...
they say a good life has sacrifices...guess that was it...

me growing up...it's alright...i have friends i have family...i have support...

i pondered on the birthdays i've had...big deal i grow a year older...how can this year be different?...usually we have a party...i stopped that when i was 10...now it's either going out or family time...+ the usual blowout with friends...
how could this year be any different?...

i thought about my academics too...im pretty average...the kid that gets high marks...then loses interest...yeah...im kinda like most of you guys out there...

all the choices i've made...the good, the bad and the stupid ones...all the "what if's" "whys?" and "how comes" keep popping up...was eveything worth it?...those dumb times i've had with other people...where i humiliate myself...were those even necessary?...

as of now...this very moment...i feel sad...i dont have a reason to be it's weird...i was uber happy yesterday...and suddenly..boom...i started feeling blue...

it feels like something inside me is telling me that im this big burden...
im worthless to my parents...im a bad brother...im an outcast among my friends...im lazy...it's like every who gets near me...turns miserable...
the pain i feel in realizing this...unbearable...im heartbroken...and the sad part of it is...it true...i see proof...i know proof...

was i just an accident?...did my mom take pity on me when i was a baby?..is that why i am here?...
when was the last time i've made my parents proud of me?...long time...i've been scolded, humiliated and yelled at a million times more than being praised...

i feel so miserable..so dark...i want it to end...i have the power to end it...i can take my own life away at any time...it wouldn't harm anyone...everyone wins...i lose my pain...they lose me...
wishes like "i wish i was never born" often fill my thoughts...im not needed...im like this walking chunk of paper weight...i might add to more of this later...
i need to think more...